Honey No. 2
Feat. gendered pressures, some fave small shops, and the allure of an apple watch lifestyle
Hi my friends! How are you doing this Sunday? I’m happy to report that the sick stash of oranges we discussed last week has not gone to waste- I’m talking an orange menorah. I’m talking a forthcoming orange cardamom olive oil cake. I’m talking that dried orange garland that I’m gearing myself up to make this week with foraged greenery from my neighborhood. You know what they say: if you give a girl a box of free oranges, she’s going to make it her whole personality!
I’m working on getting our new house in tip-top orange order because we’re having some people over for a holiday meal next week. This is so nice! This is so fun. But sometimes something takes over me- it can happen when I am getting dressed for a formal event, it can happen when I’m doing the final inspection to get my security deposit back on a rented apartment, it can happen when I’m slipping on sandals after months of boots and clogs. All of a sudden here come the sirens of the Perfect Woman Police. The ones who pull you over when you’re not performing perfection at peak femme capacity, aka with the horsepower of an invisible team that only immense money can buy. And in being a perfectly-imperfect person hosting a gathering in a new house that is (so beautifully) in transition during THE holiday season? Honey, I called those crusty cops on myself.
The sounds of those sirens have remained close all winter, as I’ve noticed myself being activated by a spinning wheel of seasonal tasks. This is my first year living with my boyfriend, Jesse, and even though we talk about everything! we share all chores! I’ve never felt so supported in my ding dong life!, I sometimes feel myself slipping into a hetero role that is bigger than me here, bigger than us. Heck, it’s archetypal! Even without the stimulus of my partner not doing enough, I am catapulted into the reactive dynamic of needing to do more. Needing to do it all! Draining my battery by keeping one hundred tabs open in my head, when I could put them all on a list on the fridge and call it a day. I’m not saying that this is a permanent state, or even reflective of a dynamic in our literal, living relationship-just a groove that is so well-worn in our society that if you’re not careful, of course you will slip.
In a similarly unconscious moment, I clipped the corner of my car the other night when I was coming home from work. This sounds so gentle- what really happened is that when I was pulling into my driveway, at the steady pace associated with driveway entering, I somehow slammed over the stoop of the first unit on the property so hard that I screeched to a stop, my hands blasted off the wheel from the force. After gingerly completing the stone’s throw drive up to my parking spot, I assessed the car for damage. Nothing visible! I luckily emerged unscathed. But when I burst out of the door yesterday morning to complete an afternoon’s worth of errands, I found I could only drive straight with my wheel tilted left, the dashboard lit up like- I’ll friggin’ say it- a Christmas tree. After an emergency visit to three separate sweet mechanics who all referred me to each other, it was determined that I had knocked my car’s alignment 30 degrees off-center. First of all, impressive. Second of all, ha! The words struck me as being so on the nose I just had to listen: I had used too much force for the simple task at hand, and now I was out of alignment. A turn up the driveway had become a trip to three mechanics; a simple sweet dinner party had become a gendered force majeure.
When life presents me with such synchronicities, I do my best to listen. Rather than exploding over the idea that I have an unending list of tasks I’ve awarded myself and now am also having car troubles, I try to get curious about how these events may all be threads of the same tapestry. For me, this often results in more aha moments and fewer tantrums, though I do still dabble in both. So now, I’m trying to take this scuffle as a cue to drop into my body and enjoy it, to remember that this is all for fun and community, to reflect on where I find my alignment. The idea of sliding into a life where I run myself ragged trying to be a Perfect Woman at the expense of my Self is not what anybody wants- not me, not my partner, not the generations of women in my family who have delivered me to this moment. What they want is for me to enjoy the purest sentiments of the season: to celebrate with good food and great wine, to tell the people in my life that I love them, and to have a perfectly-imperfect party. And honey? I’ll do my best.
The Holiday Hunt
Ok, so maybe you’re still on the lookout for some holiday gifts. Maybe you’re trying to support small businesses in the madness of the season. Or maybe you just like to keep approximately one million tabs open at all times like I do, and are looking to add fuel to your browser fire. Well toots, look no further. Here are several of my favorite small stores across the country for your browsing/buying pleasure! In-person is always better of course, but time’s a ticking, baby! Let’s get to it.
Aporta- The sweetest little store in Missoula, Montana. My dad was born and raised in Missoula and moved back there when I was an adult. I’ve been going to Missoula at least once a year since I was a tiny tot, and it is a blast to get to visit the independent, beautiful little stores thrive there (and of course the mountains and my family etc etc). Aporta is a-gorgeous. It’s a small operation with a lot of product turnover, so I recommend signing up for their emails if the vibe peaks your interest! Some sweet gifts could be these cozy socks, a beautiful kilim pillowcase or two, a sweet toiletry bag, a delicate vase, a vintage ring, I could go on!
Humboldt House- If you know me you’re already like, enough already. But I’ll say it again, I friggin’ love Humboldt House! A Chicago staple that I love to visit any time I’m back. And their inventory just keeps growing! But ok, let’s think gifts. I’m in the market for some new dish towels and I think both of these are gorgina. A catch-all bag in a beautiful color (the tangerine!!). A pretty frame or two, a lip balm I personally LOVE, a sweet calendar for the new year, coffee from a great Chicago spot and a cookbook from another one. If I still lived somewhere cold, I would be in a cute balaclava so fast istg, but ok let’s move it along…
Merz Apothecary- Another ALL-TIME CHICAGO FAVE!! Merz is a true blue apothecary (founded in 1875!), so the best way to utilize their services is to go in person and ask some of the well-trained geniuses there to help with whatever ails you. But since we’re talking gifts (and some of us are far away), let’s focus on their well-sourced wares from around the world. For me, a trip to Merz is incomplete without stocking up on Mustard Bath. If you know someone who loves a bath, just trust me on this one. When left to my own devices, I take a mustard bath every day! It helps with detoxification, with kicking a cold, with letting it all go in a hot yellow soak. One time the owner of Merz saw me get this and said, “when I see someone buying mustard bath I know they’re a smart person.” Don’t believe me? Call him! Did I only bring up Merz to sing the praises of this one product? I mean, we can talk about how they offer great face masks, body oils, one million beautiful loose-leaf teas and soaps and every wellness tool under the sun. But at the end of the day? It’s the mustard bath for me 😎
Maven Collective- Ok, I haven’t been to Maven Collective in Portland, Oregon in person, but somehow I started following them on instagram and everything they post is just so gorgeous! I love giving and getting vintage goods as presents- no one else is going to have it!-and there are always so many goodies to choose from here. Their inventory moves quickly, but at this moment there are these lovely marble bookends, handmade salt and pepper shakers, an antique landscape painting, this cool ass frame…definitely one to follow if you are a lover of beautiful things! And if you live close, my god, the furniture. The furniture!!!!
Prelude and Dawn- Now we’re back in my own L.A. neighborhood! Prelude and Dawn is where I can reliably get the majority of my gift shopping done- this place is a freaking dream, and bonus! their instagram features some of the best memes in the game. Some treasures here include a candle that I got for my mom who declared it “too beautiful to burn,” a carafe for letting someone know they’re worthy of carafe life, my favorite powder dry shampoo (so many good scents!), a great little wallet, the most best-smelling oil that always makes my boyfriend say what IS that, a book showcasing the history of tattoos, a book for when you realize you’ve always been a Paul stan, and, I’ll say it, a sweet little tray. And honestly a bunch of other things I can’t mention because they’re in your stocking this year!
What are your favorite independent stores? Please leave a comment below! I have 400 tabs open and am always looking for more :)
The Optimization Blues
Will Sonheim is a classic Honeypot contributor and I am so excited to have him back in the fold. I was so struck by the threads connecting my opening piece to this one- clearly these feelings are hitting all of us intensely right now, and I am fascinated by the different ways that they manifest! Subscribe to his upcoming newsletter Pillow Fort now for more of the greatness that is Will.
The setup is familiar and comforting: steaming coffee in a hand thrown ceramic mug, a suite of subscription based apps, and an artfully worn-in leather notebook. Cut to sparse rooms, clean desks, and Etsy-esque bookshelves packed with Marcus Aurelius-ish books, the Complete Malcolm Gladwell Compendium Box Set, and a few miscellaneous airport-business-volumes with variations on the words “Power” and “You” and “Now” in the title. Once again I am taking notes during a Productivity Bro’s YouTube video on optimizing my Google calendar to unlock my full potential.
To be clear, this is not the life I want. But I can’t stay away.
“Things could be easier. You just need a system. You just need a stack of notecards. It’s called TIME blocking! It’s called BULLET journaling, sweetie, and it will change your life! It’s called an ATOMIC HABIT, dude! It’s called TRANSCENDENTAL MEDITATION and there’s an app for that, use my code “TechBroStoic30” for a free 30 days!”
They’ve done it. They’ve made process into a product and I’m buying, spending, at the very least, my attention on it; clicking on every Amazon Affiliate Link to see what kinds of pens and notebooks they use to have all of their ideas about how to keep track of all of their ideas. The struggle or discipline is part of the brand, but the video makes it clear: it’s working! Things have improved for him (always a HIM) and they can improve for you too. Don’t believe it? Just look at the freaking analytics, dude. The graph is trending upwards. Oh, and you’re reading books wrong. You’re not taking notes right. Socrates says that the unexamined life is not worth living, but how can you even begin to examine your life if your Notes App doesn’t have a clear folder hierarchy, bro? If you’re not tracking or measuring your life, how can you improve it? Wouldn’t you rather your days be full of the things you actually want to do?
Was this…the Socratic Method?
Yes. I mean, yeah, Socrates, duh, but who doesn’t want to improve? There are things I could do better. Ways I’d rather pass my time (minutes, hours, days, life, etc.). I don’t feel good at the end of an unproductive day, even as I blanch at the boring binary of the phrasing “unproductive day.”
I think my heart is in the right place…but, my brain whispers, could it be in an even better place? Could my heart be in…perhaps…the BEST place? I get a quick dopamine hit with every whiff of this frictionless fantasy.
I tell myself I’m just looking for answers or at least a good life hack or two. But I often leave these videos feeling like I’ve wandered into a Staples looking for God. Do you have any desk organizers that can help with an overwhelming existential dread? I’m looking for some lightweight paper that works with my HP printer and absolves my constant shame. Oh, do you have a desk calendar with an extra column for notes that can make me feel at one with everything?
The tools and tips and tricks largely come from a world of time tracking and time management- but it’s just me so I’m the boss AND the employee and I’m frustrated with both of us. It's an ethos that takes the Mary Oliver poem about your one wild and precious life and twists it into a corporate mission statement: “OPTIMIZE! MAXIMIZE! STREAMLINE!” honk the wild geese, circling back to corporate to make sure the creative assets are delivered by EOD.
Ok, but I do like some of their tips. I like setting little booby-trap-gifts for my next-day-self; like shoes by the door for a run, a glass of water across the room, a gentle note of how to begin. I like making lists and swishing my pen through the DONES. I like grounding myself in action instead of treading water in anxiety. I like sitting quietly and meditating as the sun rises, conscious of my breath and gracefully noting when my awareness drifts to anxieties surrounding this meditation app’s annual subscription fee. I like the things that remind me I’m a messy mammal with a sense of humor, a critter trying to feel better and curious and awake to the world.
Anyways, all that to say, a month ago I caved and bought a used Apple Watch for fifty bucks.
A disclaimer, dear reader: I’m wearing it right now. Mostly I use the timers (5 minutes and 19 seconds remaining on this particular writing sprint). I like getting better acquainted with my heart rate on a run. I know how many breaths I take per minute while I’m dreaming, which I’m sure will come in handy someday. But, to be honest, I mostly just totally fell for the aesthetic, for the promise of optimizing and measuring and improving. I’m often chasing after some transcendent moment while simultaneously wondering if using a spreadsheet would make it more likely for me to get there.
I want my days to feel like a swim in Walden pond, but of course, the comment section reminds us that all those swims were only possible because Thoreau’s mother did his laundry and brought him sandwiches and let him stay in the cabin for free because it was on her property.
Which begs the question…is Apple Watch mommy?
Weeks before I got it I was talking about it objectively too much. I was bringing up the Apple Watch in therapy, to my partner, to my friends, to the internet at large. I was obsessed and it was annoying. My brain felt like it had gotten a virus from a WireCutter Tech Column, like the angel and devil on my shoulders were ol’ Ed and Brad from Fight Club, like I was a consumerist parable from The Book of Steve Jobs. I make it into a joke to take the edge off but I truly couldn’t stop thinking about it. I didn’t want to be someone who wanted this gadget but Tim Cook’s hook was in me and I couldn’t escape.
It felt like a process (or, yikes, a lifestyle) I could buy and wear around. A quick fix. A helpful reminder-machine. A gentle vibrating on my wrist when I’ve been sitting too long. An extension. A part of me almost, in a way that a phone can feel like an external hard drive for our brains. It’s an object that knocks gently at the door and whispers, “Good morning, I was created to help make things a little easier, a little less chaotic, a little more synced up. Also it’s 7:39am. It’s time. You have time now. Why not get a run in? I’ll give you twenty minutes. I’ll be proud of you and then you can be proud of yourself.”
And, now that I’m wearing it I can safely say that it does, definitively, work a little-bit sometimes.
I don’t want to become an astronomer who can’t stop talking about how nice my telescope is instead of looking at the stars. Measuring and tracking is a way to keep myself grounded; grounded as in settled but also sometimes grounded as in ‘your mother and I are very disappointed, no TV for a week’. It’s an objective observer on my wrist that can point towards how I’m spending my time, a weird little robot that lets me know how many calories I’ve burned on a goodbye-walk with friends.
What is your relationship to the things in your life?
The day I got the Apple Watch I went for a run. It felt like I was taking us on a run; my robot and me. It’s what’s on the inside that matters. Me (blood, bone, sweat, fat, skin, brain, etc.), out in the world, wearing little pieces of the world (copper, cobalt, iron, silicon, crude oil, etc.) around my wrist. A tool. Two tools? I’m split. A self-conscious consumer, one step closer to being a cyborg but also still just a sweaty mammal whose hair is starting to thin, running through the woods like we always have.
In some ways, the watch was just reminding me of things that my body already knew. I’m breathing. My heart is beating. I’m running. I’m slowing down. Technically, I knew all of this already. There was friction. It wasn’t easy. It was good. Tools shape how we see the world. If you’re a hammer, they say, everything becomes a nail. If I use a slickly designed project management app everything can become a project. But there are other ways to live. Just watch the patch of moss or the pod of whales or, if you zoom out, let time expand beyond your own narrow scope, you could also live like a river, a rock, a dune.
On this particular day, my mile splits were a little slow, my heart rate was a little high, and the wildflowers along the riverbank were ineffable.
Happy Hanukkah, happy resting, happy shopping, happy reflecting everybody! I hope that you can enjoy your body and your people right now- this season is a beautiful time for that too.
I’ll see you next time :)
xx Olivia
So excited to learn of Maven, and JUST IN TIME.