Honey No. 33
Feat. a baby-given nickname that continues to haunt me, and the highs and lows of community fundraising
Happy Sunday pals! I am once again writing to you from the friendly skies- Jesse and I are currently heading back to LA after a weeklong trip to Maine with much of my extended family. We rented a house big enough for all 14 of us- four “grownups,” five cousins, three partners, and two almost-two-year-olds- which is my favorite way to soak up time with a beloved group. I love the in-between times that you only get to share when no one *really* has a separate camp to retreat to, the communal meals, the mornings over coffee, the split-second, choose-your-own-adventure moments when several activity options present themselves seemingly out of nowhere but each car is apparently leaving in two minutes so you have to decide fast (anyone else’s fam?). It was a beautiful week, and Maine is so, so lovely.
One of my main objectives this trip was to imprint on the two babies- most of my family is located on the East Coast and get to see little Rowan and Simone often enough to make an impression, but would they recognize their faraway cousin Olivia? They oddly don’t look at a shared album with everyday updates about me (though I’ve offered), so it might just seem like a stranger burst in the door, hopelessly in love with both of them. Fortunately when we were reunited both babies more or less tolerated my presence, Simone even dubbing me “Vina” as a new-to-all-of-us nickname. Vina!! I was smitten.
The recognition of, and request for, “Vina” continued throughout the week. Vina? she would ask when it was 6am and I was weirdly not awake. Aja, Vina! aka Open, Olivia! she would crow when I periodically went to the bathroom and weirdly closed the door. Mo-wah Vina, she would demand when I stopped singing the alphabet after the 9th or so run-through (weird!!!). My moniker was set and I was hoarse, but delighted. She remembered me! She’s remembering me! I’m imprinting! It’s working! Maybe at Christmas she’ll greet with with a smile rather than a confused grimace! I’m her auntie! I’m her Vina!
But then one morning my cousin Julia, Simone’s mom, approached me with an interesting update. She keeps saying your name! Julia told me, which I knew, which I dreamed. And this morning when we were reading a Sesame Street book, Simone kept pointing to Ernie and saying… “Vina!” she exclaimed, thus introducing a fun fact I will ruminate on for the rest of my days.
Do you think it’s because I’m tall and you’re short and we seem to really love each other? Jesse is saying to me in real time, as I shake my head, still in disbelief on the plane days later. Do you think it could have anything to do with that? But she never called you “Bert,” Jesse?! She never called you Bert!! I mean, at least it was a happy “Ernie,” not taunting one? A proud identification of a known person in her life? Oh I know that little orange guy, she maybe thought. That’s that lady downstairs who doesn’t know that the abc song is traditionally sung for at least 50 minutes. Is it my orange skin? My oblong head? A certain je ne sais quoi? I’m gonna need her language skills to kick in a little faster, as she has some splainin’ to do.
I guess part of the delight of knowing a baby, of knowing a person, is never knowing what they’re going to say next. The joy of following along with Rowan and Simone’s East Coast lives through my iPhoto and Google Photo albums (respectively) can’t possibly match the surge of delight I feel watching them learn to shake hands in real time, or seeing them figure out how to co-opt the Spindrift you were drinking by asking for more “agua bubbles,” or discovering that they’ll ask you to sing a song and then say “no” to your choices until you’ve landed on a cover that they enjoy, like their very own Smart Shuffle. Being present for an unexpected baby-ism was my greatest wish this family vacation, and those two delivered one hundred times over. Does Ernie have a few followup questions for Christmas? Oh sure. But first let’s just enjoy the moment.
Jesse Thurston is a writer, filmmaker, and the love of my freaking life. You can watch some of his previous work on his website, and I highly recommend that you do. He’s next to me but he’s NOT making me say this.
I’m producing and directing a short film this Fall and I’m in the middle of a crowdfunding campaign. I’m not exaggerating when I say this kind of thing gives me hives. The last time I did this, in 2019, I raised $30,000 on Kickstarter for a feature film and the itchy patches I developed only went away when I hit my goal. This time, my target is a bit more modest and I’m hoping to avoid skin outbreaks of any kind.
Crowdfunding has become increasingly commonplace as a way for artists of all types to produce their work. There are other ways to do it, of course— grants, residencies and people called “investors” all offer different paths— but crowdfunding is the most tantalizing in its simplicity. “Sure,” crowdfunding platforms seem to say, “We’ll help you get the help you need to make your movie (or design your board game, or write your comic book) all you need to do is ask!”
But asking, of course, is the hardest part! Everyone who has ever made a work of art and shared it has struggled with feelings of inadequacy. What gives me the right to ask a viewer to watch ten or fifteen, let alone NINETY, minutes of a film I made? And why should anyone donate their hard-earned money to help me, of all people, make another one?
Here are some tidbits that have helped me manage these and other anxious inner voices:
First, a filmmaker friend recently reminded me that fundraising remains a part of filmmaking no matter how big your budget. Even Barbie had a squad of “investors.” It is part of your job as a filmmaker to convince people to believe in the value of your idea before it exists, in any tangible form. If I want to continue to make movies, he assured me, I will have to convince just enough people every time that the world will be better off with my movie in it, than it would have been without it.
Second, filmmaking is highly collaborative, which means when you raise money for a project, especially one of this scale, it’s not for you, it’s to give to other people— actors, skilled technical artisans (and sure, some insurance companies, too). A film director’s medium is not only light and sound, it’s the motivations and impulses of a team of other artists. Yes, the film will be an act of self-expression, but if all goes well, it will also be a meaningful artistic experience for an entire community of people.
Lastly, crowdfunding is not so different from the rest of the creative process. Running a crowdfunding campaign requires a level of sustained vulnerability that I think makes the average person squirm (or break out). But if you approach people with vulnerability, a surprising benefit is that it often leads to new or surprising connections. Over the course of this week, a friend from high school chipped in $25 and sent me a message of support, along with an update on her life and new baby. I learned that the lead actor in my new film was roommates with a friend of mine from college back in 2009— what a small world! And giving people an opportunity to show up for you is a powerful thing. I’ve said “Thank you” to so many people in my life since the campaign started and I feel closer to them as a result.
With all that said, if you’re interested in donating to support my new short film Smudge, you can do so here. So far, 50 people have donated and we are about halfway to our goal! If you’d rather not donate, but still want to introduce me to your baby, that works for me too.
I still wish the early stages of a creative process weren’t so agonizing. And I wish our country had more public funding for the arts (a rant for another time). But in this moment, I’m committed to appreciating the ways running this campaign has filled me up instead of focusing on the ways it’s stressed me out. Maybe that gratitude is what’s keeping the hives at bay.
Till next week, my pals! After a lot of (wonderful!) summer traveling, I’m excited to be planted in LA for the next foreseeable bit. Lots of fun shows and events coming up too! I’ll keep you posted :)
xx Olivia